Bye Bye Birdie

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Here is something you should know about me...

I am deathly afraid of birds.  All kinds.  All colors.  All birds.

I hate birds.

My family thinks this is hilarious, except for The Chief.  She's not so fond of birds either.  I just really, really do not care for birds or like to be around them.  If I am being totally honest, it's because I'm afraid they will peck at me, fly at me, or just generally attack me in the middle of an otherwise wonderful day.

I blame three things...

First, the movie "The Birds."  Now, I am actually a big fan of Alfred Hitchcock.   I really love "To Catch A Thief," "Rear Window," "Dial M for Murder," and the others.  They are classics.  But "The Birds"...  let's just say I did not have the reaction my dad hoped for the first time we watched it together.  I mean, that's just pretty much the scariest thing that can happen to a person.

Second, I grew up in a Southern Baptist, go to church every time the doors are open kind of family.  And I'm pretty sure somewhere in all those years of Sunday School there was a very graphic description of what happened to Jesus during the crucifixion, and I'm pretty sure there were birds involved in that story.  (Please stop laughing at me.)

Third, I lived for six whole years of my life in Waco, Texas.  Which, in case you were wondering, is probably the town "The Birds" was based on.  You know when you're little and your parents tell you the birds fly south for the winter?  Yeah...  They fly to Waco.  Can't tell you how many times I came out of Target to a dark parking lot where my car was covered with hundreds of birds.  I'm not even kidding people.  It's a miracle I survived that place.

So I promise this whole irrational fear story has a point.  In my very urban, mostly college student apartment building, there are a few older residents who lived in the building before the college took ownership.  Their families have rented the apartments since the 1950s...I'm not even kidding.  I'm pretty sure they pay about $450 in rent for 2,000 or more square feet of Manhattan real estate.  And you can always tell who they are, because there are a handful of 80-year-olds living in the residence hall with a bunch of 20-year-olds.  And there is this one very sweet woman who lives around the 6th or 7th floor who throws bird seed out her front windows, right onto the front step of my building, right where I have to walk every time I come home.  Kind of feels a bit like the lady in Home Alone 2 in Central Park with all the bird-friends.  I mean, it's a life-or-death situation every time I leave my apartment.

Pray for me please.  I might need it.

I do not like birds.

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